Herpaintedbunting's Blog

Singleness: The Benefits Package

Posted on June 11, 2010 Updated on June 11, 2010

Certainly there are advantages to being single. The actual advantages differ greatly from what you may suppose, however, especially if you are married. I thought I would review the benefits package with you, just in case you’d forgotten…

10. I simply do not have to do the dishes. Lame, isn’t it? It’s probably a rebellion from my childhood experience of having to nightly wash dishes. Seriously? No.one.cares. No one will die….well, so long as they do not use those dishes in the sink from a week ago. I refuse to let them stress me out. My uncle has always said, “Good dishes wait.” And, believe me, I’ve always had good dishes. Smile.

9. Good communication skills are optional.  You know, talking. It doesn’t happen when you live alone. The cats think it’s normal for their human to maintain a non-stop monologue. A busy Mom might escape to a coffee house for peace and quiet, I will likely escape to the same location so that I can be around people who are actually using their mouths to form words and sentences. Now that’s a picture of the truly solitary lifestyle.

8. The schedule and plans of the single person can be extremely structured or spontaneous without impact to another. Typically an early riser, I have found myself out late – midnight-ish – several evenings each week. Just six months ago, I was in bed by 9 pm most evenings. A dramatic schedule shift would severely impact a relationship.

7. Outdoor chores. Just ask my good friends about my lawn and garden fiascos and you’ll discover what I have: Absolutely no one sucked air by my sudden disinterest in mowing the lawn. No one is evaluating how high the blade of the mower is (Can you imagine??), or whether I trimmed beforehand. I just keep telling myself that the world will not fall off its axis if the yard gets a bit overgrown.

6. Life with Housemates. I remember my numerous roommates during my 20’s. I think I’ve lived with ~18 women in a span of 12 years. (Read: lots of Estrogen.) The thing that I remember the most is that no matter how much you kept to yourself, your actions impacted others. Whether you walked into an already-steamy bathroom (major ick!) or you had to eat someone else’s cooking that was not your style, there were always touchpoints to others’ lives.  (Overcooked imitation crab legs with ketchup and A-1 over rice, anyone? Not kidding.)

5. So drive how ya wanna, eh? I’ve been driving daily for, like, 1,000 years with a few-cross country trips sprinkled in here and there. I simply cannot imagine someone hovering over the speedometer or helping me brake while driving. “Honey, you’re going too slow.” (Well, they’d never say that exactly but yeesh!)

4. We need a cleanup in Aisle 3, please. Oy! Can you imagine having to shift gears and clean up after someone? Hopefully Mr. Right will read this and clearly understand that the laundry goes into the laundry basket if he wants to avoid having it, um, burned.

3. The jangling alarm. Need I say more? There are, from 5:03 a.m. until 6:30 a.m. a series of alarms that go off in order to wake Sleeping Beauty. She does not have the auto-rise-at-dawn feature installed at this time.

2. Repairs: They are mine to manage all.by.myself. I think somebody is being a little sarcastic, don’t you? Ya, I get to figure out why the tub leaks. It doesn’t worry me enough to pay for a plumber, of course. 

1. Financial Debacles: Whoops! My Bad. I think my favorite part about being single is that, financially speaking, I navigate my own way. Hmmm. Having said that, my pompous statements in support of independence quaver the tiniest bit in that I would gladly turn this over to the man with proven skills in managing money.

<Sigh. Darling… me thinks thou dost protest too much.>